TV Guide TV Land Thursday

Carrie and Doug make a $500 donation to Deacon's son's school, but when there is a mixup with the donation amount, they try to keep the good recognition.

Doug takes $100 from the "emergency funds jar" to make a bet and when he wins $5,000, he can't let Carrie find out so he sets out to spend it all one day.

Doug thinks his new dentist, who used to have crush on Carrie, is inflicting pain on him for marrying her; Arthur is forced to see a psychotherapist.

Doug and Carrie decide to put an end to Carrie and Arthur's constant fights and send Arthur to a psychotherapist, but maybe it's not Arthur who needs therapy.

While listening to a tape of his previous night's show, Jerry hears the voice of a mysterious woman who talks extremely dirty into his tape recorder.

Jerry's brain and penis play chess against one another to decide whether he should keep dating a vacuous model; George is dating a big-nosed woman.

Jerry and Elaine join George for a special party, where they send signals to each other to get out of bad party conversations; George has an office romance.

After his car is stolen, Jerry attempts to call the alleged criminal, who answers the phone; Elaine starts to grow tired of her 66-year-old boyfriend.

Roseanne is at the diner when she is asked to be a news commentator on a morning television talk show and brings along Jackie to be her manager.

Bev has quickly become attracted to her new ballroom dance instructor, but becomes infuriated with him when he begins flirting with the divorced Jackie.

Emotions consume Roseanne and Dan as they prepare for Darlene and David to wed, but the ceremony is interrupted by a life-threatening situation.

Roseanne tries to do everything in her power to make sure things go smoothly in the hospital after Dan suffers a heart attack at Darlene's wedding.

With humor, optimism and special guests, host Drew Barrymore explores pop culture, human interest, lifestyle and more while celebrating every part of humanity.

With humor, optimism and special guests, host Drew Barrymore explores pop culture, human interest, lifestyle and more while celebrating every part of humanity.

Andy invites Howard to join his lodge, but his overprotective and jealous mother concocts a scheme to get his membership denied.

Andy drafts a prisoner with a beautiful voice into the Mayberry barbershop quartet when their tenor can't appear for a singing contest.

Andy umpires at Opie's game, but he calls the final out against Opie's team, causing the Mayberry townspeople to be angry with him.

When her temporary use of an extravagant wig succeeds in attracting the attention of a prominent visiting clergyman, Aunt Bee struggles to maintain the illusion

Colonel Potter thinks that Frank would be less trouble if he weren't such an outcast, so he asks Hawkeye and B.J. to be his buddies.

Frank thinks that auctioning the camp's garbage will bring him glory and recognition, but Hawkeye uses it on a troublesome colonel.

Frank becomes Commanding Officer while Colonel Potter is away on leave, and he has Hawkeye arrested and tried for mutiny under Frank's command.

Colonel Potter is forced to ground a charismatic helicopter pilot when he discovers that he has, what could be, a very serious illness.

A farmer joins a posse but finds that it is more than he bargained for when he is criticized and punished for shooting the outlaw in the back.

A dying ex-gunfighter reveals to Matt that he hopes to be buried next to his wife, even though her grave is in a town filled with residents who despise him.

Instead of negotiating a fair price for water, a greedy rancher hires a gunslinger to coerce a woman into giving up her rights to the local water source.

Kitty is unwittingly duped into shooting and killing the Matt's prisoner, so the dead man's brother vows to hunt her down to get revenge.

Matt is enraged when an outlaw kidnaps, beats and nearly kills Miss Kitty in order to get revenge against Matt for the death of his brother.

When offered a job that would take him to South America, Andy persuades Barney to run for sheriff, but the election gets ugly when the offer falls through.

Barney stumbles upon a briefcase loaded with $250,000 in cash while chasing a hobo, and Barney and Andy soon learn the money is from a bank robbery.

A film crew from Hollywood contacts Andy to discuss their idea for a television show based on his reputation as a sheriff without a gun.

Aunt Bee's close friend's daughter visits the Taylor's after having a bad experience with her boyfriend back home, causing Andy's girlfriend to become jealous.

Barney creates hostility in Mayberry when he discovers that an old assault case was never resolved and attempts to close the case for good.

Opie and his friend Howie spice up the penny newspaper and publish it with gossip that was overheard, but some things are better left as gossip, not news.

Robert brings home a new girlfriend to show off to his family, but nobody appears to believe Raymond when his concerns about her turn out to be true.

When Marie has vision problems, Debra suggests that she see an eye doctor, but the family soon finds that they preferred a vision-impaired Marie.

Ray always seems to have anxiety at gift-giving time and when Robert offers a great gift idea for Debra, but he fails to mention Robert, taking all the credit.

When Frank gets into an argument with a store manager over eating products in spite of a "no sampling sign," he upsets Ally and has to try and talk to her.

When Ray discovers that a local radio host hates him, his world is shaken, but not as much as when Robert admits that he hates Ray, too.

When Robert decides to propose to Amy, he plans to meet her parents first to seek their permission, but things do not go smoothly.

Debra decides that it is Ray's turn to be the house disciplinarian, a role he is badly suited for and Frank finds out that he wasn't too great at it, either.

Carrie gets neurotic when put in charge of a group of "misfits" at night which makes Doug lonely, but he finds that Arthur makes an acceptable replacement.

Doug and Carrie get new neighbors but make a negative impression when an argument they have can literally be heard all over the neighborhood.

Doug and Carrie bump into Father McAndrew and are shamed into attending church services, meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone, Arthur puts the house up for sale.

Doug is asked to help coach Deacon's son's football teaml; While coaching, Deacon's son expresses to Doug that he should try out for a semi-pro team.

Carrie agrees to baby-sit her boss's son but is disgusted when the toddler is obsessed with her breasts; Spence's TiVo thinks he is gay.

Doug feels threatened of Carrie's "work-husband" and begins to spend more time with Deacon to make Carrie jealous; Arthur is jealous of a new dog.

Jerry is the unwitting cause of Elaine's boyfriend falling off the wagon; George buys Elaine an $85 cashmere sweater discounted because of a red dot.

Everyone has an uncommon experience while going their separate ways on the subway; Kramer overhears a hot tip on a horse on his way to pay a traffic violation.

Jerry's Pez dispenser makes Elaine laugh during George's girlfriend's piano recital and puts their relationship in jeopardy; Kramer joins the Polar Bear club.

After selling each other on the idea, Jerry and Elaine sell George and Elaine's friend on a blind date and await the results; Kramer gives away condoms.

Fearing a prowler in the neighborhood, Old Christine convinces Matthew to stay over with her; New Christine goes into labor on Old Christine's birthday.

Christine begins to feel intellectually inferior to one particular guest at a staged engagement party, which drives her to make a surprising decision.

While helping her son adjust to a posh new private school, Christine discovers that her ex-husband is dating a woman who shares her name.

Richard and new Christine's intimate relationship prompts Christine to find someone for herself, leading her to connect with an infamous parent.