TV Guide Comedy Central Wednesday

Peter runs into Jesus at the Quahog Mall, and he is shocked to learn that Jesus is still a virgin after 2,000 years, so Peter plans a birthday surprise.

Stewie and Brian decide to use a time machine to help Chris ace ninth grade history class, but the three of them manage to get stuck in the past.

Meg gets Brian to take her SAT's for her, but he does poorly on the test, so Peter decides to share the pleasures of being stupid with him.

As a contestant on the show "Wheel of Fortune," Randy uses the "n" word, causing problems for the entire community; Cartman battles a little person.

Cartman decides to find out which student at the school is responsible for starting a lice outbreak; a louse tries to stop the deaths of all his friends.

South Park prepares for the arrival of Hillary Clinton, while Cartman begins to suspect a possible terrorist attack by the new Muslim boy at school.

Determined to discover the truth behind why he is forced to decorate eggs for Easter, Stan uncovers an eccentric society that guards a secret.

After being dumped once again, Ms. Garrison rediscovers homosexuality; the boys of South Park hire illegal immigrants to do their homework.

The number of homeless people in town is on the rise, and while the boys' parents are generating ideas to help the homeless, the boys try to stop the influx.

Cartman turns foul language into an art form after he realizes he can freely state his crass opinions by pretending to suffer from Tourette syndrome.

The boys are impressed by Randy Marsh's latest achievement in the bathroom, all agreeing that it could be a world record, until someone else wants the title.

When Stan and Kyle become fixated on the video game Guitar Hero, the two of them form a team and set record scores, but the duo falls apart.

The boys learn about a list created by the girls ranking them all based on looks, so they do everything possible to steal it and see what it says.

Cartman is diagnosed with an incurable illness while in the hospital, but his friends begin to wonder if he is considering drastic measures.

Stan and Kyle learn the truth regarding Britney Spears' popularity when the beleaguered pop star relocates into their sleepy little mountain town.

In a tribute to the 1981 science fiction film "Heavy Metal," the boys stage a plot to save Kenny from the latest drug mania that is sweeping the town.

When Canada decides to go on a long and painful strike, the boys must resolve the problem; Danish citizens migrate to the U.S. to replace the Canadians.

Mrs. Garrison takes a leave of absence from South Park Elementary to reclaim her missing manhood; Cartman mentors students at an inner city school.

Stan's dad packs up the family sedan and takes the whole Marsh family out West after the nation's access to the World Wide Web mysteriously vanishes.

Mr. Garrison takes the class on a field trip to a living museum based around life in the 1800s; Cartman makes Butters go to the amusement park next door.

As the rest of the town mourns an attack on a beloved icon, Cartman dreams about the Olympics and discovers a clandestine plan by the Chinese.

Wendy becomes so enraged at Cartman's continuous shenanigans during her class report that she decides to challenge him to a fight after school.

While the South Park citizens are partying in the streets, the newly elected President arrives at the White House early and throws everyone off-guard.

When a new fad comes to South Park Elementary, the boys refuse to succumb and jump on board until Butters becomes more popular than they are.

None of the boys believe Butters when he tells them he saw a vampire at school; students at school can't tell the difference between a Goth and a vampire.

Kenny tries to take his relationship to the next level by his girlfriend to a Jonas Brothers concert, where his dreams of having sex are squashed.

In the town of South Park, a lone vigilante named "The Coon" rises up and fights against crime; an unknown child attempts to clean up the streets.

When Randy creates a new plan that will fix everyone's financial problems, the town follows his advice and starts living an economic-free life.

An April Fools joke starts a trend that is picked up by the women of South Park, and Kyle, Stan and the rest of the boys try to put a stop to it.

When Cartman helps Jimmy come up with a new joke for his comedy routine, it becomes an instant hit and takes off on the late night talk shows.

While helping Stan build a car for the Boy Scout's Pinewood Derby race, Randy begins to obsess over the car's design and works deep into the night.

Cartman convinces Butters and a small gang of boys to run away from their homes in South Park and live with him as pirates on the infamous Skull Island.

When Ike is haunted by dead celebrities, Kyle and the boys hire professional ghost hunters to investigate the Broflovski house for paranormal activity.

The boys make fun of Butters when they discover he has made it to fourth grade without kissing a girl, so he becomes determined to get his first.

After attending their very first WWE match, the boys feel called to become professional wrestlers, so they decide to join the school wrestling club.

Wanted for Lois' murder and his options running thin, Stewie decides that the time has finally come to launch his plans for world domination.

Brian and Stewie use an out-of-this-world remote control to travel through a variety of parallel universes, including a world run by dogs where humans are pets.

Brian makes fun of Stewie for his small stature, which prompts Stewie to make a shrinking machine that inadvertently shrinks them to a microscopic size.

Carter Pewterschmidt becomes the victim of an unfortunate accident that forces him to be left completely dependent on the Griffins for care and rehabilitation.

Stewie pledges to offer a better life for Meg after she saves him from choking; Chris is forced to get ready to attend a vocational school.

In an attempt to surprise the Griffin family, Meg successfully manages to get into the U.S. Olympic team as a biathlete and prepares for the Winter Games.

Stewie and Brian compete against each other over a wealthy heiress' inheritance; Peter and Chris fight each other for the affection of Mr. Herbert.

Two new bosses are brought into the Pawtucket Brewery team and they are immediately determined to use another mascot for the company.

Peter becomes the Quahog Channel 5 News' senior crime analyst; Brian and Stewie work together to help Chris become more adept at dating.

Peter is given the position of the next White House Press Secretary and the Griffin family gets ready to make a move to Washington, D.C.

Contributors join the host to conduct intimate interviews and discuss current events in politics, pop culture, entertainment, sports and more.

Peter and his friends form a neighborhood detective agency; Lois is concerned about Chris' new relationship, but she decides to use it to make Peter copy Chris.

Meg is instantly seen as the hottest employee at her new job; Cleveland becomes a therapist and helps Peter and Lois with their relationship, frustrating Peter.

Peter ends up a town hero when he discovers a missing boy; Joe quits his job and goes on a road trip with Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland to Niagra Falls.

Brian becomes more well-behaved after going through obedience school, but Peter misses his lively behavior and wants the old Brian back; Chris feels used.

Stan and his family spend his birthday at the Denver Aquarium where they plan to swim with the dolphins, but the Japanese show up and ruin everything.

When noisy bikers suddenly show up in South Park, the boys refuse to let them ruin the weekend, so they throw down the F word and fight back.

Cartman is chosen to do morning announcements at school and becomes the new voice of change by targeting student body president Wendy Testaburger.

When Stan's dad takes the boys to a local water park, the fun-filled day turns into a deadly disaster as shocking events begin to signal the end of the world.

When wealthy, successful men start having intercourse with many women, the boys from South Park discover they have the same sexual addiction.

After given permission to read a controversial book at school, Stan, Cartman, Kyle and Kenny are inspired to write a contentious novel of their own.

Cartman's favorite fried chicken restaurant is closed down and replaced by a store that sells medicinal marijuana to people with a physician's reference.

Kyle accidentally becomes friends with the wrong person on Facebook, so Cartman and the boys completely desert him and leave him with no friends.

Jimmy and Timmy head off to summer camp with all their handicapable friends, where they work hard to become champions of an annual competition.